you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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