What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
