Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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