I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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