I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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