Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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