in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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