cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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