I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
