some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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