Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize