Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
