I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
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I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
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I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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