I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
