she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
