I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
