You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
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Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
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We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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