youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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