I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
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He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
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He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
The power of my boobs compel you
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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