On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
