I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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