She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
