Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
