I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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