I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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