now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
