is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
