I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
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You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
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I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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