I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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