Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
