Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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