I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
