god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Plan B is the new Plan A
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
