Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
it hurts more in the daytime
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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