Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
