take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
