Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
