My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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