if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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