I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
