ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
