youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
