I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
