im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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