God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
