i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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