I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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