Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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