I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
