Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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