I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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