she looked like the bat from fern gully.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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