Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
