your parents love me but you hate me
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
