We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
