when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
